Get What You Want by Speaking Effectively
- Andrea Jefferson
- Aug 18
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 19
Article by Andrea Jefferson
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Every Word Counts
93% of communication is nonverbal according to research by Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles. That 93% is further broken down by tone and body language, but what about the remaining 7% of verbal communication? There are a plethora of books dedicated to active listening, which aim to improve verbal responses and break down communication barriers. In addition to active listening knowledge, knowledge on how to charm and influence people is disseminated through communication self-help books such as Patrick King's How to Talk to Anyone or podcasts like Matt Abrahams' "Think Fast, Talk Smart: Communication Techniques". On the flip side, there also pieces dedicated to rejecting communication that doesn't align with oneself such as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson and the podcast "A Really Good Cry" by Radhi Devlukia.
If only 7% of communication is verbal, why the hell is there still so much to say about it? That's the point: perhaps because our words are so few, they have the greatest impact. Think about it: if you're a millionaire, spending $100 is not a life-altering event, but if you're down to $150, that $100 needs to be used for essentials. What do we consider essential communication?
Expressing wants, needs, and concerns.
Expressing apologies, condolences, or confusion.
Expressing approval, gratitude, or disagreement.
What Makes a Good Communicator
My communication style is based greatly on my personality, which is structured (sometimes considered rigid), humorous, and a bit of a know-all-about-it (yes this is different from a know-it-all). This blend of traits often helps me breeze through in conversations, so you can imagine my surprise (and sometimes embarrassment) when my words are met with confused, concerned, or angry looks. Just because I'm humorous in one context doesn't mean I'm not exhausting in another.
The point of good communication is the ability to adapt to your audience. Collegiate vocabulary isn't necessary when speaking to a child about why they can't have another cookie, and your doctor isn't going to diagnose you with conjunctivitis without explaining that's pink eye.
If you aren't willing to adapt to your audience, you might as well be talking to yourself because that's the only person that can understand you. When celebrities face backlash for saying something insensitive or not well-thought-out, they always respond by telling us "what they really meant", but think of how many people don't hear the "revised" version. Sometimes when you miss a turn, you can go further down and make a u-turn, but it's better to stay on the right path to begin with because who's to say the next median isn't too far? The same is true for how you speak.
How to Adapt to Your Audience
Consider factors like age, interests, and education.
Someone that is not fluent in English is more likely to respond
to common English phrases when spoken to.
Consider your desired outcome from the conversation.
If you want a raise, you shouldn't spend the meeting with your boss
explaining why the new software is worse than its predecessor.
Read body language signals and offer clarifications with questions.
"Does that make sense?" "Do you need me to clarify anything?"
Being Understood
Everyone wants to feel like they are understood. This is true for both whomever is speaking and whomever is being spoken to. When you adjust to your audience, you are showing that you value them enough to make sure they get your point. This allows them to also feel comfortable furthering the conversation. No one wants to be talked down to or belittled, and if that happens, it means you are not speaking effectively.
By definition, communication is "the imparting or exchanging of views" (Oxford Languages Dictionary). A view may be imparted, but if it isn't understood by the receiver, it's like it never happened. The other valuable half of the definition is exchanging. There is only a true exchange if both parties leave the conversation knowing what the conversation's purpose was.
Conclusion
Because so little of our communication is the actual words we say, it's important to choose them wisely. If you consider yourself an intelligent person but still have trouble communicating, it's likely because you don't adapt to your audience. This is an important skill that can be refined over time, so don't be too hard on yourself for past errors.
Remember to always consider who your audience is and the outcomes you want. Factors such as age and education are important when speaking to people. Hierarchal relationships should be considered too. For example: speaking to your friend differently than how you speak to your boss.
Reading body language cues such as confused facial expressions or eye-rolling can also indicate how what you're saying is being received. Lastly, reiterate the importance of understanding: both for you as the speaker and for the receiver. Once you learn how to incorporate these changes into your speech habits, you will find yourself not only getting what you want but maybe even speaking up for others!
Bonus: It's also important to look the part when talking to others. Amp ump your style today with some of our accessories:
Andrea Jefferson is an author, blogger, and entrepreneur from the South. She attended the Mississippi School of the Arts where she won national writing accolades and has been a fiction and poetry contributor in various literary magazines including High Shelf Press, Literary Orphans Journal, and Bridge: Bluffton University's Literary Journal. In 2019, she was nominated for a Best of the Net Award and later served as an editor-at-large for Trampset Magazine who gave her the nomination. Her poetry book, "Stray Curls and Dirty Laundry" (released in 2018) is available to read on Amazon.
Keywords: communication, how to talk to people, how to express yourself, how to communicate at work, public speaking, how to get better at talking to people, how to stop being shy, communication advice for shy people, speaking up in the workplace, how to be an influencer, how to become an influencer, better communication, effective speaking, effective communication
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