"My Coworker Doesn't Like Me" and Other Distractions Affecting Your Shine at Work

Article by Andrea Jefferson

We've all been there. We started at a job and got weird energy from the strangers that already know the routines, clients, and vendors. Sometimes it's worse than that: you knowingly step into enemy territory because bills are bills and based on job scarcity and inflated goods costs, you can't afford to be selective about who you work with. I'm here to tell you that it isn't the end of the world if you find yourself employed with people that are less-than-pleasant toward you. As someone who has been a new employee in industries ranging from fast food to talent advisement and industrial laundry, I can speak from experience that no matter what type of work you do, there will always be disagreeable people. The key is learning how to strategically navigate the noise well enough to still shine and stay engaged in your work! What do you do when the vibe is off? You leverage it.

Being Disliked is Actually Good

As much as we hate to admit it, there really isn't much benefit to being well-liked by everyone that you meet. Some degree of exclusivity and moderated politeness will help others see you as being more genuine. Remember: a friend to all is a friend to none. You do not have to be rude or go out of your way to exclude others. You can be yourself and naturally gravitate toward those that offer value to your life. If everyone likes you it's probably because you're forcing yourself to be palatable for everyone else's sake. This is doing yourself and others a grave disservice. Moreover, being a pushover isn't going to stop someone inevitably disliking or trying you, and that's why you need to know how to keep the big picture in mind while it's happening.

Shift Your Focus

Unless you are in immediate danger, most of the petty goings-on at work can be ignored. Allowing others' unsolicited comments, passive-aggression, or exclusionary tactics to take up too much real-estate in your mind will cause your productivity to drop! We all know lowered productivity leads to unwanted meetings, anxiety, and wage loss in more extreme cases. Some are even going as far as using their hard-earned vacation days to escape toxic work environments according to this Fortune.com article. I'm not suggesting a little break can't help every now and again, however I don't recommend losing momentum with your career goals by dodging negativity. If you learn how to work through it instead of only away from it, then it doesn't have the same impact on you. Below are some examples of common boundary violations or unpleasant scenarios at work as well as how to shift your focus.

People Trying to Micromanage You: Micromanagement is one of the most irritating experiences. You are constantly being examined as you work or having your methods nitpicked despite knowing how effective they are! If you've experienced this, unfortunately you aren't alone. HR Drive did an article citing a Monster.com survey in which 46% of respondents stated micromanagement would be reasonable grounds for resignation. Imagine nearly half of the workforce quitting today because they had to deal with this nonsensical practice!

The best way to combat micromanagement in my professional opinion isn't to fluster yourself worrying if you're doing everything exactly as you're told. If you're a competent human being (which I'm 100% certain you are if you're making the effort to get this advice), then you know how to do your job both accurately and within a reasonable timeframe while sporting a positive attitude (and are of course open to learning when you're wrong), which is all that matters for a reasonable boss; but maybe that's your issue: your actual manager isn't the one micromanaging you! If you're dealing with a coworker that is too comfortable trying to lead your steps, here is the best advice that I could give you:

1. Speak to them openly and directly about it. Don't talk about them to others. Don't be passive-aggressive. If you've noticed a pattern of this behavior, the best thing would be to already have it documented, especially if you have a history of being gaslit about your experiences. People often think that if you confront them, you're automatically being unpleasant; this is usually a projection on their part. Don't allow your message to be muddled with the unnecessary. The objective is to make the behavior stop. Anything beyond that goal is irrelevant. If confronting them politely and directly doesn't work, it may be time to escalate the matter to management.

2. Stop doing what they ask. Unless your coworker prefaces their demands by stating that they're coming from management or someone that is actually in a position to tell you what to do, there's no need to bend yourself to their expectations. This doesn't mean you can't take recommendations from them; but if they are trying to control you, that is unacceptable. In some cases, they can even be sabotaging you by telling you to do a task wrong. You need to validate sources in the workplace that way you are always covered in the event you are uninformed---or worse---misinformed.

3. Speak to a member of management. If you've tried speaking to them directly and respectfully to no avail (or they tried to dodge accountability and continued the behavior), then it's time you escalate the matter to management. Sometimes what you say isn't wrong, but others just may not want to hear it from you. In the case of a micromanaging coworker, they're not likely to take criticism very well or stop on their own. Hearing it from someone above them forces accountability where they may not organically have it.

People Passing Work on to You: Have you ever been in a situation where group effort was needed to secure a contract, complete a project on time, or make a presentation? When it came time for the group to put in effort, did most of it fall on you? If so, then you know how frustrating it can be when work that is supposed to be allotted to multiple people is not fairly distributed. It can feel like the end of the world, but I promise it isn't. Here's how to navigate this situation:

1. Make it clear what everyone's part is. Sometimes people are not intentionally passing work on to you. They may not be sure what the expectations are for the group. If you are not trying to be the group leader but somehow most of the work gets put onto you, then it's time to lean into it and take an authoritative stance. Email your expectations for everyone such as what their role is and specifically outline what they need to accomplish in that role. Likewise, make it clear what you would like to contribute and outline specifically what you need to accomplish. This creates accountability for everyone involved and makes it harder for people to pretend they don't know what to do.

2. Do not do more than what you've agreed to. Once everyone has their tasks delegated, it is up to them to figure out the best way to go about doing them or to ask for further instructions from you as the group leader or management. In the case of an emergency where someone on the team sincerely can't contribute their part, delegate tasks evenly among the remaining members of the team. If your team is a duo with you and one other person, ask for extensions as necessary or for a replacement. Doing the work of two people does not earn you double the pay or rewards: remember that.

3. Keep deadlines for accountability and outline your own individual progress. If a project has an expected completion date or estimated date, certain milestones need to be met well before that date so the team can gauge where they are. Monday.com is one resource that can be used by multiple people at once and progression updates are easy to make. Whatever you use, you want to make sure it's easily accessible and has a low learning curve. More complicated software may discourage team members from sharing updates. Regardless of what you all use, make sure your own work is accounted for. If the time should come people have to be put on the chopping block for not playing their role, you can rest assured that you did what you were supposed to.

4. Have an open discussion. If you've tried the above steps and still find people lagging, schedule a meeting to see what's holding everyone up. Some people are not effective communicators and may not take the initiative to share their concerns or problems until it's too late. When you open the door for a discussion, they may be more comfortable exposing the untold side of things. This doesn't only have to apply to group projects either. Even shift tasks that are not being equally shared such as organizing or filing can be discussed among the group to bring awareness of what the expectations are.

Working With Former Problematic Schoolmates, Coworkers, or Family Members

You're so excited! You just began a new job and are happy to have a fresh start with different responsibilities than your last role. You come in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, cappuccino-in-hand and get the surprise of your life when you discover the girl from junior-year English class (yes, the one that badmouthed you to anyone who would listen) has moved back from Arkansas. Damn it! Don't panic. Follow these tips, and you'll forget they even exist.

1. Keep it professional. Having history with a person does not require you to acknowledge that history whether it was positive or negative. You're there to work, earn your paycheck, and go the hell home. There's no need to enter the nostalgia olympics. Be courteous but brief. This makes it clear to them your personal life, updates, and overall inner knowings are not up for discussion or debate. If you find that these people are still trying to push past certain boundaries, redirect the topic professionally. You can use phrases such as:

"I don't believe that contributes to our work." "In another environment, perhaps that would be an appropriate question to me." "That feels more personal than I care to dive into at this time."

Whatever you do, never discuss others at the workplace with them or within earshot of them. Watch who you two mutually speak to and be cautious around those people as well because you never know what they may be carrying back. Once a snake, twice a snake. If you know people have a history of being messy, you should only tell them what you want to be spread across the globe.

2. Limit time around them. If you know they eat lunch around a certain time, take your lunch later or earlier. Go to a different eatery or even sit in your car for part of your break. This isn't about hiding from people but rather giving them less opportunity to be inappropriate toward you. Do not make plans with them outside of work either. A lot of times phony people want to develop a closeness to you so they can monitor you, receive trusted information, or sabotage you. The less predictable and accessible you are, the better.

3. Remember that you are not here to be liked. It's nice to be liked. Unfortunately for women, the line between it being a nice outcome or a requirement for promotion can be blurred. Sheryl Sandberg made mention of this in her book "Lean In" (which I've been reading off and on throughout the year) with her acknowledgement of the "Heidi Howard Study". This study shared accomplishments and background stories of two respectable professionals with the only difference between the two being their traditionally feminine and traditionally masculine names. Howard was found to be likable, aspirational even while Heidi was considered by surveyors to be a bit much. Studies such as this can be disheartening, especially when it seemingly doesn't take much to be disliked as a woman. Still, the more of us that persevere and thrive despite the noise can open doors for other women who are qualified even if they may not be Ms. Popularity. Affirmations and self-care outside of work can help you build your self-esteem and in turn make you like yourself; this is effective in caring significantly less how others view you. You can also look into tips on how to be more charming or even manipulative. Manipulation is good when used as a protective measure rather than just a way to screw others over. Marketing is at the basis of everything, and how you market yourself is how you wield power over how you're perceived.

Conclusion

Work can sometimes get messy, but you have what it takes to rise above it all. By focusing on your long-term goals, you minimize distractions that are causing you to look like just another lackluster employee. Bonus tips to this article would include looking your best, only contributing helpful information to work conversations, and being a problem solver rather than a troublemaker. This no-nonsense approach will help you achieve the outcomes you desire as well as keep those who aren't on your level repelled. Save these tips for later, and see you next time!

#work #workdrama #careerfocus #womenatwork #ambitiouswomen #workconflictmanagement #purposeatwork

Andrea Jefferson is an author, blogger, and entrepreneur from the South. She attended the Mississippi School of the Arts where she won national writing accolades and has been a fiction and poetry contributor in various literary magazines including High Shelf Press, Literary Orphans Journal, and Bridge: Bluffton University's Literary Journal. In 2019, she was nominated for a Best of the Net Award and later served as an editor-at-large for Trampset Magazine who gave her the nomination. Her poetry book, "Stray Curls and Dirty Laundry" (released in 2018) is available to read on Amazon.